Saturday, February 23, 2008

White people

Here is article #61 on a site all about white people and our funny cultural habits. Check it out, we are pretty funny people! http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com


#61 Bicycles
February 10, 2008 by clander

A good place to find white people on a Saturday is at a Bike Shop. Bike shops are almost entirely staffed and patronized by white people!

But not all white people love bicycles in the same way, there is much diversity. First up, we have the younger urban white folks who absolutely love their fixed gear bicycles. These are seen all over college towns, Silverlake in LA, Williamsburg in Brooklyn, Queen West in Toronto, and Victoria, British Columbia. Fixed gear bicycles meet a lot of requirements for white person acceptance. They can be made from older (i.e. vintage) bicycles, thus allowing the rider to have a unique bike that is unlikely to be ridden by anyone else in town. They are also easily customizable with expensive things Aerospoke rims, Phil Wood Hubs, and Nitto Parts. The combination of rare bicycles and expensive parts makes it easy for white people to judge other white people on the quality and originality of their bicycles. This is important in determining if someone is or isn’t cooler than you.

White people also like Mountain Bikes because it lets them be in nature. It’s really not more complicated than that.

And finally, they love expensive Road Bikes and the accompanying spandex uniforms. This enables them to ride long distances and wear really tight clothes without any social stigmas. These types of riders will spend upwards of $5,000 on a bicycle and up to $400 on accessories, but will not ride to work. Perhaps because they cannot wear the spandex. It is important that you never question why someone needs a $5000 bicycle since the answer is always “performance.”

For the most part, these rules have been unisex. But there is a special category of bicycles that appeal far more to white women, the European city bike (pictured). White women have a lot of fantasies about idealized lives, and one of them is living in Europe and riding around an old city on one of these bikes. They dream about waking up and riding to a little cafe, then visiting bakeries and cheese shops and finally riding home to prepare a fancy meal for their friends who will all eat under a canopy with white Christmas lights. This information can be used to help gain the trust/admiration of a white woman, especially if you can pull off a lie about how your mother told you about how she used to do all of these things when she was younger.

And of course, it goes without saying that white people who ride bikes like to talk about how they are saving the earth. If you know a person who rides to work, you should take them aside and say “Hey, thanks. Sincerely, The Earth.” Then give a thumbs up. That white person will ride home on a cloud.

4 comments:

Sandy & Dick said...

You are amongst funny people...it's in the genes. We (old white people)also love to ride bikes, but w/o the spandex, and dine under umbrellas with white lights. Bring on the wine and cheese...xoxo

Becky said...

Hey, that description of a European "idealized life" sounds familiar... :)
This is all too true. Except what's this about "up to $400 on accessories" - Is that per week?(!)

Becky said...

Maybe I should have said $400 per day, or possibly per hour... I know some white people who spend at least that much just on their sunglasses! (some kind of super-duper ultra-light aero-dynamic version of course), not to mention the helmet, special shoes, gloves... and of course can't forget the lycra!

Kimberly and Bob said...

Brian just where do you find this stuff? OMG, you crack me up! I LOVE it!

As Bob and his friend are avid road and mtn bikers, I had to pass it along. This is too good not to share.

I am never letting him read the part on how much you spend on accessories though. It'll give him the excuse he has been looking for to crack open the piggy bank and go shopping!!! :D